Figuring out how I blog about a topic that agonized me nearly my entire life is why I hesitated to come back into content creation and blogging. Writing about past traumatic experiences helped me overcome them and liberate myself from the burdens I carried through and after those experiences. I also received great feedback from readers who endured similar distressing situations. Though the feedback is motivating, writing about my painful experiences nearly exhausts me mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically.
I need to blog about my parents one good time because there is much to unpack and let go of. I will sum all that up by saying that I no longer care to forge relationships with my birth parents.
Playing back the details in an extremely long post is unnecessary because I talked out my issues with my dad and mom, individually and together, since I was a high school freshman in 1990, as each agonizing gesture, specifically neglect, happened. The people who have been in my life since 1990 and heard from me about how selfish, unaccountable, callous, mean-spirited, neglectful, unreliable, and assholic my dad and mom know the story and can probably tell my story better than me.
When I turned 45 in August 2021, I promised myself to relinquish the people who disrespect and dishonor me, my time, my values, and my peace. I release them without malice or disgruntled thoughts. They do me no good and do not wish me well. Thus, they must go as long as I want to achieve perfect peace. I forgive them all for being bad energy disruptors in my life.
As soon as I made that promise, my thoughts immediately zoomed on the worst offenders, my dad, my mom, and the gay friends I had held onto for too long.
Letting go of the so-called friends I had for more than a decade who weren’t wishing me well, desired to control me through their narcissism, and backstabbed me in the most dishonorable ways was easy. I purposely stopped communicating with them regularly, yet I hoped that they would apologize and take accountability for their dishonorable ways. Because they never took accountability and righted their wrongs, my love for them as friends weakened until I no longer cared to hold onto possible reconnections.
My parents, on the other hand, are the hardest to let go of.
I admit. I questioned God several times on why he assigned me to have the two most selfish, neglectful, and unaccountable parents on earth.
The issue I had with both parents started at age 3. After their divorce in California, my parents dropped me off in Kansas City, KS, to live with my Grandma and Grandpa. Though I am always appreciative of how my elderly grandparents gave me the world throughout my youth, my parents started new families in other states after dumping me in Kansas. My mom married and divorced three more times and had five more children I never got to know until I decided to meet them when I was 19 years old. The fathers have custody of her children, and later, they championed me in building relationships with my siblings.
She also had two long engagements that resulted in breakups. My dad married a woman who bore three children with three different men, and the youngest’s father was a debating mystery for a long time. Fortunately, I was kept away from that toxic household until I was 14 years old, during which I experienced one hellish teenage life.
I did not realize until I sought professional therapy in my late 30s that I had some well-hidden hatred toward my dad and mom for all their abandonment. I admitted in one therapy session that I would feel total peace when they both pass away because I resented that I exist in a world with two birth parents who gave me up and made no good attempts at building a solid relationship with me. I had to force myself onto my parents, especially my dad, for quality time. Forcing relationships with anyone is exhausting. I did that with my first same-gender ex-lover, DRS, and I suffered for years. I did that with former friends until I nearly hated them.
I have forgiven my parents before and apologized to them for the hatred that they did not know I had toward them. Recently, I made peace with the knowledge that my parents would never do the right thing by building a loving relationship with me without egos and empty promises and decided to give up on forging relationships with them.
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