Let’s cut to it: being a gay or queer man in this world means you’re going to deal with a lot—and not just from society at large, but from straight men who think they’re being cool, funny, or even “progressive.” But really, they’re just saying things that make us blink slow, sip our drink, and ask ourselves, “Why am I still in this conversation?”
Now, I’m not talking about the straight guys who know how to move respectfully and stay in their lane. We love those dudes. They show up, stand up, and don’t make everything weird. I’m talking about the ones who fumble the ball every single time. The ones who say things with their whole chest that sound like they’re straight out of a dusty ‘90s sitcom.
And while it might seem like small stuff to them, to us, it’s death by a thousand dumb comments. So, let’s talk about the top 16 things hetero men say to us that grind our gears, test our patience, and get the group chat poppin’. And yeah, we’re gonna call it out—because some of y’all clearly need a little uncle-style truth-telling with your morning scroll.
1. “No homo, but…”
You could’ve just said nothing. Or just said the compliment like a grown man. “No homo” is one of those phrases that tries to tiptoe around homophobia while still flirting with it. If you’re that scared of sounding gay, maybe don’t speak until you sort that out.
2. “That’s gay.”
If you’re still using “gay” to mean “stupid” or “weird,” congratulations—you’ve got the linguistic maturity of a dusty flip phone. And no, it’s not “just a joke.” It’s lazy. Say what you mean or hush.
3. “He’s gay too. You two should be together.”
So two straight people meet and you don’t automatically plan their wedding, but two gay men breathe in the same room and you’re playing Cupid? Stop it. We’re not pairing off like Build-A-Bears.
4. “You’re not like most gays.”
Translation: “You don’t make me uncomfortable like the ones who don’t shrink themselves for straight comfort.” Newsflash: there is no “most gays.” We’re as varied as your playlists—assuming your playlists have more than just Future and Drake.
5. “So, you’re not trying to hit on me. Are you?”
Now why would I do that? You think just because someone’s gay, they’re automatically attracted to you? Confidence is cute. Arrogance? Not so much. We got taste, baby. And just because you’re standing there doesn’t mean you’re on the menu.
6. “You seem more hetero/masculine than (another gay man).”
This ain’t a competition, and you don’t get to award medals based on who makes you feel less confused. Masculinity isn’t a single style—it’s a whole damn mixtape. Don’t try to remix it for your comfort.
7. “Can you help me pick out an outfit?”
Let me guess—you suddenly remembered I’m gay and figured that makes me your personal stylist? Cute. Now if you’ve ever complimented my style or we’re tight like that, maybe. Otherwise, you’re just trying to check the “I talked to a gay today” box.
8. “What do you think women would like?”
Oh, so now I’m your honorary homegirl? Look, some of us know women well. Some of us don’t. Either way, being gay doesn’t mean we’ve got VIP access to what women want. Ask them, not us.
9. “Are you the man or woman in your relationship (or bedroom)?”
What kind of foolish, backwards, nosy question is this? Relationships between two men don’t need your outdated gender roles to function. And the bedroom? That’s invite-only. If your name’s not on the list, you don’t get to know.
10. “I’m not homophobic. I just disagree with your lifestyle.”
A lifestyle is biking to work or doing keto. Being gay is not a lifestyle—it’s a reality. Saying this is like trying to sound respectful while being disrespectful. Just say you’re uncomfortable and go.
11. “Is that how you people feel?”
“You people” always gives away more than you think. Whether you mean Black people, queer people, or folks who don’t follow your flavor of the week thinking—be specific or be quiet. We’re not your monolith.
12. “I wouldn’t have guessed that you like sports (or hip-hop music).”
Because gay men are only supposed to like pop divas and brunch? Please. Some of us throw down on the court and know every Tribe Called Quest lyric. You might wanna update that weak stereotype before speaking next time.
13. “Are you the top or bottom?”
Sir. If you wouldn’t ask your straight homeboy how he hits it, don’t ask me. My sexual position is not your conversation piece. And some of y’all barely manage missionary—maybe sit this one out.
14. “I don’t understand how you can take dick. It must hurt.”
Well, nobody asked you to. If you’re really that curious about anal sex, the internet is free. But don’t come asking questions like you’re studying for a test. Some knowledge just ain’t yours to hold.
15. “Gay guys love me.”
Do they? Or was one drunk dude nice to you once and now you think you’re the Beyoncé of straight men? Confidence is fine, but don’t confuse one flirtation with universal appeal. Let’s be serious.
16. “I would have never guessed that you’re gay.”
Because what? I didn’t sashay up to you in glitter and heels? There’s no single way to look gay, and this isn’t the damn Guess Who? board game. Keep your surprise to yourself.
Listen, I get it—sometimes people just don’t know better. And in this life, we all need grace. But grace doesn’t mean silence. If you’re gonna be in the mix with us—at work, at the barbershop, in the gym, on the beach with your cheeks out like the rest of us—you need to learn how to talk to us, not at us.
If you’re a straight man reading this and realizing you’ve said some of these things—breathe. Nobody’s canceling you. But now you know. So do better. Show up smarter next time. And don’t take offense when someone calls you out—take the lesson.
To my LGBTQ fam—especially my Black and brown brothers: keep holding the line. Keep loving loudly. Keep correcting with your whole chest. And if all else fails, clap back with love… and a little shade, if necessary.
And, there you have it!
Let me know what you think about this post. What additional gems would you drop on this topic? Drop it in the comments and tag a friend who enjoys topics like this!
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